Tuesday, January 8, 2019

The Worst Films of 2018

I've been dragging my feet a bit on this one.

Truth be told, I love discussing what the best films were in a given year. But when I have to look back on the year and remember what made my viewing experience a living hell.Well, think about it, its not exactly something I'd call fun. Heck, I can't even say in honesty that its therapeutic. I guess in life, I've always tried to remember the good times and forget the bad times. But in a lifetime, the good times define you as much as the bad times do. Just as the worst movies of a given year define what 2018 was just as much as the movies that I will carry into the future and watch over and over again. The darkness is part of the human journey as much as the light is, so I guess I feel obliged to share what the worst experiences were from this year as well.

10. Mandy
If you look around the internet, you might just find this film in a "Best of" list. I am not entirely sure why. "Mandy" is a slow drag. Perhaps I don't get psychedelic movies at all, because I'll be honest they were way before my time. But on another level, this is the dopiest, least exciting revenge movie I think I've ever seen. But hey, Nic Cage doesn't overact, but perhaps that's part of the problem too?

9. Overboard
Can we all just agree that just because there is an old movie in existence that it doesn't automatically need to be remade? Can we also agree that Anna Faris has never been funny, I don't think she'll ever be funny and that she should stop trying? I don't know what else to say about this dragging, self-indulgent, quasi-racist "comedy."

8. Like Me
Well, it had a good trailer, I'll give it that much. But "Like Me" is ultimately a boggled-down mess, full of disgusting imagery with no payoff or resolution. I am sure some dipshit out there thinks its "deep" and "full of meaning." Sure, it pretends like it has something mature to say about how you can get famous in the digital age and how so many millennials are lost in this 21st Century, but the movie makes no intelligent remark or idea the whole movie. And after the stupid ending, its pretty clear that nobody associated with this movie had any idea what they were trying to say.

7. Slender Man
Everything revolving around the Slenderman mythos is certainly interesting. Too bad none of that is used to service a cool horror movie. This features all the worst qualities in a modern horror movie. Unlikable teenagers. Kids who can't act. Screaming at nothing. Nonexistent tension. Not to mention that movie decides not to take any part in the fun of its source material whatsoever. Check out the HBO documentary about Slenderman, much better that this tepid crap.

6. Mortal Engines
Okay, so you are making a movie based on a series of books, cool. Alright, you got Peter Jackson to put his name on your poster, even cooler. You still have to try to create a fantasy world people will be hooked into, you still tell a story worth telling, you still have to make an effort to get me to buy into this strange world. None of which happened here. "Mortal Engines" is roaring fast towards the same fate as "The Golden Compass." Just because most young adult novel movie series' have been successful doesn't mean you can't try.

5. Life of the Party
Oh, Melissa McCarthy. Why on Earth did I ever have any faith in you at all? More on that later...

4. The Commuter
Well, I for one am really glad that I never have to watch Liam Neeson make a quick buck by making the same movie he's been making since "Taken" in 2009. This is all, quite literally, just more of the same. I am glad that Neeson has decided to start acting again, leaving behind a weird stint in his career where he made the stupidest action movies of the 21st Century. That's a win for us all, really.

3. Truth or Dare
Remember everything I just wrote regarding "Slender Man?" Go ahead and apply it to this piece of trash and amply it to a staggering degree. Then go ahead and add the most asinine curse ever used in a horror movie and you start to get the idea. This is one of the most ludicrous excuses for a horror movie in recent memory, and if they decide to start cranking out movies in a franchise, I may just go out to Hollywood and kill somebody.

2. I Feel Pretty
So, all women are beautiful despite their body size? And nobody should ever abandon their ugly friends for pretty people after getting ripped at the gym? Well, okay. I didn't need a movie to tell me those things I learned in 3rd grade. I'm hoping that Amy Schumer's acting career is over now, because watching her pretend to be funny has become quite the chore.

1. The HappyTime Murders
The year's biggest "coulda, woulda, shoulda" story. I had so much confidence in this project that its almost scary to think back on. Brian Hensen, Jim Hensen's son, following in his father's footsteps but also forging his own path. Making an R-rated comedy and taking shots at the world of The Muppets? This should have been the funniest movie of the year. Too bad Hensen squanders himself at every turn. Mixing a generic noir story with a few puppet sex jokes doesn't make a good movie. This is predictable babble starring an actress who has decided she's never going to be funny again. In all the ways to make fun of Muppet culture, the go-to joke was an overly-long sex joke where the jizz is silly string? That was the big gag moment? That's too bad. This easily takes the one spot for being the years biggest disappointment and failing to entertain on every conceivable level for all of its running time. When a movie is so bad that I have can't write about it for almost week, that's saying something.

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