Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Gods of Egypt Review

Gods of Egypt Review
I really enjoy mythology. I mean, they were pretty much the first superheroes and were replaced by the colorful stock characters we see in comic books now. There have been amazing stories told revolving gods and demigods and other heroes, spanning from every mythology of every ancient culture. I love it all, I just wish that better movies were made about them. 

Believe what you are hearing, because its true. Everything about "Gods of Egypt" is awful. There is corny dialogue, there are whitewashed roles, there is the poorest-of-poor CGI, there are hammy villains, and geeky heroes. I am trying to remember any redeeming qualities the film might have had, and I can't remember too many. I liked Chadwick Boseman and I liked Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. They try to have fun here and make this movie count. I have to say that I am looking forward to everything Marvel Black Panther, just so Boseman can get out of this rut he's in. He's one of those actors who is great, but only picks horrid projects.

In speaking of good actors who pick horrid projects, lets talk about Gerald Butler. I think Butler commands lots of charisma onscreen and he can conjure a well-established performance, but boy does he need a knew agent. Think of all of Gerald Butler's movies and now think of all of them that were good. Yeah, not that much. Here he plays Set who kills his father and his brother Horus (Coster-Waldau) and takes his eyes. He then becomes an evil empire and throws the nation into slavery. So basically Gerald Butler plays a Xerxes version of King Leonidas. The whole time he's onscreen I think evil Leonidas and I giggle. The character is so hammy that I can't take the character seriously, I can't see him as an actual threat. Ironically, I will have more to say about Gerald Butler later tonight for a review of another movie.

There is a mortal named Bek (Brenton Thwaites) who helps Horus get his eyes back and decides to overthrow Set. The rest of the movie revolves around this adventure, but the adventure itself is so paper-thin that I feel this could have been a short film, instead of a feature film. The CGI effects remind me of a bad video game, and in fact, the movie itself feels like your watching somebody play this bad video game. Its almost like the movie is being played by a rather annoying five-year-old hyped up on Mountain Dew and Pixie Sticks, yeah that's "Gods of Egypt." Horus and Bek are pretty much running through checkpoints instead of engaging in any kind of real storytelling and I am sure audiences everywhere were taken out of the experience completely. I think Brenton Thwaites could be a capable actor, but this movie is something I'd keep off my future resume.

Elodie Yung, Geoffrey Rush and Rufus Sewell all completely embarrassed themselves here. Its all a very stupid spectacle. If you've been able to avoid this since its release, all I can say is you yourself a gold medal.

FINAL GRADE: F

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