Friday, January 3, 2014

2013: Year In Movies (Part III: The Worst of 2013)

2013 had quite a few wonder film experiences, which I have already highlighted these last couple days. But 2013 was not without its trash. There were plenty of very bad movies that stank up theaters over the last twelve months. But just as the end of the year is time to reflect upon all that was wonderful and good, its also time to leave behind the bad. Here are the ten films that I could have done without. These were the films that I openly hated the most, that I feel nobody should give their time toward.

Leaving 2013 behind means I never have to think about these clunkers ever again.

10. The Lone Ranger
Ten minutes of fun does not compensate for two hours and twenty minutes of absolute nonsense. Hammer and Depp have never seemed more off-base with their performances ever. Plus, a "family film" has never looked more cold-hearted and violent ever before. This is a film that never had a target audience in mind. Gloomy, murky violence isn't something youngersters call fun, in fact, it would likely scare them. All of this just adding to the fact that "The Lone Ranger" was repulsive.

9. The Host
Let's hope Stephanie Meyer stops writing novels altogether, or at least hires the right people to adapt her material. Another young adult novel, another misplaced sexual tale, been there done that. I was shocked to also see that decent actors like Diane Kruger could be so lifeless with the right direction. 

8. The Purge
This movie is an example of filmmakers having a good idea, then absolutely ignoring that idea in order to make "just another home invasion film" that was both anti-climatic and dull.  The door was wide open for a social satire that could have worked on a number of ways, but the film crew behind this "horror film" just wanted to play it safe, but their version of safe is tedious and boring. Not only that, but "The Purge" was never once scary, which is the entire point of a horror film in the first place.

7. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
This had a shot of taking an idea and making brainless fun out of it, and it failed. Instead of adventurous and humorous, "Witch Hunters" was soulless and needlessly dark. Gemma Arterton is pretty bland as an actress, as she proved too many times this year. Somebody stop her before she ruins another film!

6. Movie 43
One would think that when a bunch of A-List actors get together, the movie has to be something special. Sadly, "Movie 43" did not offer that. This is a movie that is disgusting for the sake of it, toilet humor just for the sake of it, there is never one clever line or joke. Did all these great actors just get bored and decided this looked like fun? I don't know, but several "A-List" stars just got sent to the Cinematic Doghouse, and its going to take something very special from all of them to get out of it.

5. Scary Movie 5
When the Wayans brothers had this property, it was somewhat stellar, now it can muster up is bad actors, playing dress up and farting. Too bad none of it is funny.

4. Spring Breakers
As I read several "Top Ten Films of 2013" lists from a lot of my favorite critics, this movie came up quite a bit on those lists. I kept wondering to myself how so many critics came to like it so much. This movie adds up to nothing else than a bunch of ex-Disney stars trying to be edgy and cool, and it just comes off phony and preposterous. There is no hidden meaning in the film, I don't care what anybody else says, there is no hidden meaning. There is no connection or parallels to our current situation. This is just two hours of girls trying very hard to be badass, but they are not, so its a numbing experience all around.

3. The Power of Few
Somebody clearly saw "The Usual Suspects" a time too many, and tried hard as hell to copy it. Too bad this version is without a single good performance (even by the great Christopher Walken), too bad this movie's version of mystery is just leaving out a few key scenes until the very end. That isn't clever writing, its lazy writing, and sadly I was poorer for it. 

2. The Last Exorcism Part II
I don't get why this is called "Part II" because this sequel did not continue anything. This sequel had the perfect set-up after one of the craziest endings to a horror film ever. I would have loved to see a sequel try to sort out what happened at the end of "The Last Exorcism" so of course that did not happen. So were subjected to a sequel not in found footage style, about Nell being possessed once again. Too bad Ashley Bell can't act and therefore can't carry an entire movie by herself. Too bad the leads from the first film are all dead because they were much more interesting. Too bad this film didn't even try to be scary, because its a horror movie and what not. A lot of too bad's in this paragraph altogether.

1. Generation Um...
That's basically all I could muster after a viewing of this trash...ummm....

Its also funny it starred Keanu Reeves.

After an avalanche of films dealing with bad people up to bad things, I hoped that Reeves would have something intelligent to bring to the table. Well, that did not happen. What we got is a "story" about a bunch of young people who like to party. Cool, except they are all boring and they made an hour-and-half movie feel like a three-hour-and-a-half movie. Reeves can't write, or direct, and when he isn't karate chopping somebody, he can't really act either. This all added to a film that created the most painful sit through in all 2013, and I can't believe I survived it.

I know I did not write as much as for the films I love, but I feel there is a clear reason for that. Now that you know what I hated the most this year, you are lucky enough not to repeat history again! 

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